1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

Walk softly and carry a big carrot

Good things come in small sugarcoated packages

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears

There's no such thing as too much candy

Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day

All work and no play can make you a basket case

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

Some body parts should be floppy

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Happy Easter!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several round to kill them,so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. And even if you're sure you know what you're doing, just don't fool with it!

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

18. If some one tells you that they are a witch don't ask them to prove it.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
but I fought temptation with all of my might

Tossing and turning with anticipation
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, up into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding, a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.