Sean’s brother went to the town priest and said, “You know, my brother wasn’t really as bad as everyone thinks. In fact, I’d like to donate $10,000.00 to the church if in Sean’s eulogy, you would describe him as a saint.

So Saturday came and at Sean’s eulogy, the priest stood up and said, “Sean Murphy was a crooked man. He was a liar and a cheat, a thief and a womanizer. We are all well rid of him. But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

The Weatherman's Hymn......There Shall Be Showers of Blessings.

The Contractor's Hymn:........The Church's One Foundation.

The Tailor's Hymn:................Holy, Holy, Holy.

The Golfer's Hymn:...............There's a Green Hill Far Away.

The Politician's Hymn:..........Standing on the Promises.

The Optometrist's Hymn:.......Open My Eyes That I Might See.

The IRS Agent's Hymn:.........I Surrender All.

The Gossip's Hymn:...............Pass It On.

The Electrician's Hymn:.........Send The Light.

The Shopper's Hymn:.............Sweet By and By.

The Realtor's Hymn:........I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop.

The Massage Therapists Hymn.........He Touched Me.

The Doctor's Hymn:................The Great Physician.

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: -----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You.

-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah.

-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee.

-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer.

-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home.

-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home.

-----Over 100mph..........Precious Memories.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "So... did God throw him back?"
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One day a family invited a number of neighbors over for dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The girl bowed her head and said, in an exasperated voice: "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A priest died and also went to Heaven. At the gate, an attendant gives him directions to his quarters. Upon rounding the corner, the priest finds his little empty condo.

When the priest asks why his quarters are so less gracious, he is told, “When you preached, people went to sleep. When he drove, people prayed.”

1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
2. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
5. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
6. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
7. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
8. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
9. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
10. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
12. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
13. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
16. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
17. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
18. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
19. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
20. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
22. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
23. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

1. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
10. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
15. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
16. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
17. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
19. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
20. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And man said "Yea," and woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good," and man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Braves victory earlier in the evening. Being that he was a big Braves fan, he died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it is me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Here are Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT...

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushe! d herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. " The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100. " The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."